(PHILIP SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
We're taking a four-week bicycle trip through the vineyards of Italy.
We figure that this summer,
our whole lives are going to be turned upside down
when Haley, Dylan, and their twins move in with us,
so why not splurge on a grand babymoon?
So we've been hitting the language tapes,
the, uh, stationary bikes,
and a couple of times a day, I wolfishly whistle at Claire
to prepare her for that timeless Roman charm.
I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's
talking about going to Italy, it's actually happening!
Oh, American lady, why do you do this to me?
Don't make me practice my slap on you again.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Mmm.
- What's that? - I'm on hold.
I'm booking us into a converted castle in Tuscany for our anniversary.
Does it have a moat?
I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes.
Looks like we're getting a refund,
which means that we can afford to...
Pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge
if we answer his riddles three?
I'm going to nip this in the bud. No moat.
This trip is such a great idea.
- Aw, I know. - Oh. Mwah.
Things are going to be so hectic here this summer.
It's weird to think people will be calling us Grandpa and...
No, please don't say it. Don't say that word.
Makes me feel so old.
But I have thought about what I want them to call me.
- Gammy. - "Gammy"?
Let's take her for a spin.
"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here."
"Sorry, guys, not today. Gammy's in a mood."
- Yeah, it does. It works. - Yeah.
- Hey, roomies. - Hey... Roomies?
What is with all the boxes and the bags?
Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come,
but then we thought about all the money we'd save.
Mucho dinero.
- Hmm... - Yes.
You look mad. I should have told you. I was afraid to tell you.
I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment
if you weren't happy about it.
But you're not unhappy about it, right? Right?
Oh, honey, oh, honey.
Oh, my gosh, you're the best. I love you so much.
Wow! What a journey!
What is my life going to be like when I'm in the hormonal stage?
Wait, there was one more thing.
FARRAH: Hey, where should I put these boxes?
My mom surprised us. We were hoping she could stay a couple of days.
- Hello! Hello! - PHILIP: Hi.
Oh, it's about time we officially met,
considering our DNA is already swirling around in Haley's womb.
BOTH: Mmm.
Phil.
Oh, hey.
- Claire. Mmm. - Oh, hi.
- I'm Farrah. - Hi, Farrah.
You look so familiar.
Well, I meet a lot of people with my work in the protest movement.
Oh, did you participate in the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?
Not that I recall.
Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah where she will be sleeping?
Oh, no, I just need two weight-bearing hooks spaced seven feet apart.
- This kimono converts to a hammock. - BOTH: Ah.
MAN: (ON PHONE) Pronto.
(EX CLAIMS) Italy. They answered. Where's the phone?
- Where's the phone? - I got it.
Right here. We're good. Yeah.
- Oh, gosh. - Get the phone. Get it.
Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
- Let me get you some ice. - Damn it!
No, no. Don't worry. I brought magnets.
Is that the way she treats all head injuries?
Because I've got a theory.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies.
Aw, Joe, that's so sweet.
Now I have room in the closet for my lizard.
Lizard? I thought that you were just going to the pet shop to look.
I can't say no to that face.
You're going to have to be bad cop till puberty.
You know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple and fuzz stache show up.
Manny, you should also give something for the twins.
You both are going to be uncles.
That's a very proud tradition in our family.
That's right, Joe.
Our great great-uncle Alvaro
was a famous South American freedom fighter.
You're kidding me. My great-uncle Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.
We're four sentences away from realizing they killed each other, right?
Joe, next week you have to go to school dressed as a hero.
Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?
Or Uncle Erasmus?
Ay, Jay. That's cute.
But Alvaro was not only a war hero,
he was a celebrated matador!
Frida Kahlo's tango instructor.
Two-time winner of the Bogotá Herald cartoon caption contest!
No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit
to shine Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots,
which incidentally were made by a nine-foot Texas diamondback
he stomped to death
while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett!
Did he kill all his clothes?
He sure did. Come upstairs, I'll show you.
I got a ring of his
with a tooth in it he punched out of a puma!
Jay does this all the time.
He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own.
I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
- I say we do a little digging. - Yes.
We can be like Inspector Tortuga,
the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's popular children's book.
He was always very slowly solving crimes.
Turns out, Jay's Uncle Erasmus did live in Texas in the 1830s,
but not much was written about him.
- (GLORIA SIGHS) - Mmm...
- Gretchen. - Manuel.
Again, I'm so sorry about...
You'll have to return these within two weeks,
unlike my phone calls.
Señor.
We had to dig deeper,
and since history is written by the victors...
Muchas gracias.
I brought my own.
MANNY: Mexican sources had a bit more to say
about his actual involvement in the Alamo.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Oh, really? You want to give away
the very first Gucci hoodie I ever bought our daughter?
Okay, first Gucci is why our retirement planner
fired us as clients.
Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay?
They really need this stuff.
I know. I still can't believe she's pregnant.
Although...
I know you're about to say something catty.
You're practically purring.
Wasn't Claire a bit fun in her 20s?
You know, we have a saying back home.
"The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick."
Okay, you're clenching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie.
Decide who you are.
And, by the way, it's not like your family
doesn't have a wayward streak, okay?
Pam is not exactly responsible.
Oh, I'm sorry, could an irresponsible woman
win her prison's Most Improved Wrestler award?
Okay, let's just admit,
we have wild women on both sides of the family.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, God. Maybe it's good Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.
She sure wasn't. If anything,
I'm worried she acts a little young for her age.
I mean, isn't 11 a little too old
for these unicorns and teddy bears and... (GASPS) Oh, my...
- Playgirl? - Oh!
Oh, God. Where did she get that?
I didn't even know they still made these.
Although, it's heartening print media isn't completely dead.
Okay, you're getting off-track. Our daughter is looking at naked men.
I know. We're going to have to talk to her about it.
You know, my parents never talked to me about anything sexual.
They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding.
And, wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.
No way! Who told her that?
She... Uh-oh.
Dads have their faces on. See you at the sleepover.
- Hey! - Hey!
So, listen. We need to talk to you about something.
We, uh, found a magazine in your room.
- Whoa! - (GROANS)
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Oh, God, no! Not at all.
You're going through a very exciting period of change
and hormones.
And, uh... And urges.
Got it. Solid parenting. See you...
- No, no, no, no. - Sweetheart. Sweetie.
Come on. I know this is uncomfortable.
But you shouldn't be ashamed about wondering or being curious about sex.
You know, the mingling of bodies
can be a beautiful expression of love.
Stop! They have classes about this in school.
And if you don't want me looking at magazines like that,
don't leave them on the sofa.
The sofa? How did... How did it get on the sofa?
I don't know. I don't... (EX CLAIMS) The babysitter.
Or, you know, Haley or Pam or Claire.
We were just talking about how perverted they are.
- Wait a minute. This is from 1997. - Hmm.
And David Duchovny's on the cover.
Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny?
Uh... (MUMBLES) I don't even know who that is.
He was on the... You know, the cheesy sci-fi show. Uh, what was that?
The X-Files or something?
You know, kind of a dumbed down Men In Black.
They had that saying, you know.
The saying was "Truth is up there,"or...
You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"!
Don't you crinkle it.
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?
Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay?
He was brooding and handsome
and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead.
Yeah, well, guess what?
You wouldn't have had a chance with David Duchovny
because look, one of his turn-offs is "dishonest people."
(SIGHS)
Why is it just lying around the house?
I was bringing the trash bins into the garage the other day,
and I noticed an old box of my stuff.
I got nostalgic, and I decided to flip through it.
- Wait. Garbage day... Last Wednesday? - Yeah.
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot,
took it back to the bedroom, and had a rather spectacular session?
Uh, was it that night?
Oh, please. It was the first time in years
I'd seen your eyes roll back in your head without irony.
Well, excuse me if I'm attracted to you.
Except it wasn't just me, was it?
There were three of us in that bed.
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.
Apparently, I should have sent six to David Duchovny.
Oh, come on! So what, I got a little extra worked up
after looking at a sexy picture. People do it all the time!
Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels.
So, I guess I'm weird for wanting
to purely connect with you on an emotional level.
You know what? I'm going to the gym.
And good news, David Duchovny.
You're not going to be alone on the sofa tonight.
Can you please hand me my iPod?
You've robbed me of my dignity,
you will not also rob me of my glorious exit.
Thank you!
There you go, buddy.
Now you look like a real hero.
I don't think I'm allowed to bring a knife to school.
It's not sharp at all!
And neither, apparently, are you.
I told you if we waited a few minutes, he'd give us a delicious segue.
Your uncle, Erasmus Pritchett,
was a hero at the Alamo.
But for the other side.
He hid in a closet during the fighting,
then stole a dress
and escaped by pretending to be a prostitute.
What? I don't believe you!
These are official church documents.
In this part, it says that he traded military secrets
for rum and a new corset.
"To this day, in Nuevo Laredo,
"'to Erasmus' means 'to cry face-down on the ground."'
There is a picture of him cringing.
I can't believe I named my lizard Erasmus.
It was wartime, Joe.
We can't judge a man who has lived through that kind of hell.
He spent his postwar years spreading the gospel of vegetarianism.
I have no uncle.
Oh... (CHUCKLES)
This homeopathic remedy is really going to help Haley with morning sickness.
- Uh-huh. - I got the recipe from a doula
I met in an Uber pool.
Well, you were right about one thing.
It does smell like a buffalo that was struck by lightning.
When are you heading back up to Oregon?
I'm done with that place.
Oldest story in the world.
I thought I found a nice guy,
then one morning, he up and tells me he's found six new women.
- Mmm. - I'm done with bhagwans.
Coming back as Dylan's mother? Not funny, Mom.
Not funny at all!
Buddy, you sure you're okay?
Trust me, I'm a nurse.
By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion.
- (SIZZLING) - (CLAIRE GASPS)
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.
She used to do a little modeling.
Recently, she had her likeness stolen
for one of those "Freeze the Fat" billboards.
(GASPS)
Dylan's mom was the hot chick
in the Sexy Kitty music video!
(MAN SINGING) Sex kitty
Sexy kitty
Sex kitty
(SONG STOPS)
The songwriting isn't perfect,
but this video changed everything.
(MAN SINGING) Sex kitty
Those bikes don't live there, do they?
'Cause that is an ideal north-facing spot for a birthing tub.
I wasn't aware that Haley was considering a home birth.
I wasn't, but then Farrah really opened up my eyes
to the birth industrial complex.
You know, this room is kind of vibrating with ancient wounds.
- Let's sage the area. - Okay.
Dylan, honey,
do you think you could grab that fan and maybe defunk the kitchen a little?
Oh, my God.
Is, uh, Dylan's mom at all familiar to you?
Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.
I can't believe that is going to be in our life on a regular basis.
I know, she's been driving me kind of crazy since I was a kid.
Do you know how many nights I went to bed
screaming her name into a pillow?
- Go on. - GIRL: Oh!
- She broke it! - No, you broke it.
Girls, it's fine. Also, who are you?
Oh, I get my step-daughters once a month
when my ex-wife's on rotation with the National Guard.
- Mmm. - Girls, be careful
with the chinchilla, okay?
You know he has a nervous bowel.
- Hi, girls. - GIRLS: Gammy!
Gammy? The girls call you "Gammy"?
That's funny, because I was hoping when Haley's twins came along,
they might call me that.
Oh, well, that might be confusing.
- But maybe you could be something else. - CLAIRE: Hmm.
How about "Gaga"?
Maybe we don't have to lock anything down right now...
Oh, my God, I love it.
Hey, Gaga.
Squeaker's loose! Get him!
Aah!
- FARRAH: I'll get him. - Whoa.
- Do you see it, Phil? - What?
No, I didn't see anything, so...
- Ow! (GROANS) - Oh!
I'm so sorry, D!
If you weren't my hero, I'd wonder if you're doing this on purpose.
Oh, my God, Dad! What's wrong with him, Mom?
- Mom? - Claire?
Gaga?
Hey, handsome. This seat taken?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Well, I brought you a smoothie, although you don't need it
because you're already 100% fruity deliciousness.
Maybe I'll just get right to it.
Look, Mitchell, I appreciate what you're doing...
No, no, listen. Lily is at a sleepover tonight,
so I got us a suite at Whispers Resort and Spa.
Isn't that the place Jen Aniston goes to after her divorces?
It is. And I'm sorry about the silly Playgirl thing.
I want you to feel what I feel every day,
that you only have eyes for me.
Call me old-fashioned, I just don't see other men.
(MACHINE BEEPING)
Sweetie, your heart rate's setting off an alarm.
- Why don't you get off that bike? - Yeah, that's a good idea.
You know what, why don't we go to the spa?
- See if we can get an early treatment. - I love that!
Oh, smoothie.
You're really sweating. You should get a towel.
Okay, you're acting weird. What's going on?
Okay, look, I just...
Um, I'm excited about that hotel.
I mean, there's a lot of Hollywood history there.
You know, they say the Little Rascals used to have orgies there.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - (KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
Hey, Cam.
I almost forgot the homemade protein bars you brought for us.
- I'll see you next time. - Yeah. Who is that?
Wow. That's an interesting view.
What? It's a parking lot. There's a dumpster.
Oh, please. Come on, you picked this bike
so you could have a front-row seat to this little peep show...
Oh!
Oh, my God. That night of our spectacular session,
you had just come from the gym.
Well, I wonder what got your engine so revved up, huh?
The truth is out there.
Okay, you know what? I'm weak, okay?
I can't believe you shamed me for looking at a magazine,
when you've been baking protein bars for Thunder from Down Under.
Maybe that's why. It's because I felt guilty about this.
Well, don't, okay?
We are allowed to look at other men without feeling guilty about it.
And if it inspires you, then go for it,
because, at the end of the day,
I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards.
That's true. Okay, look, I'm sorry.
- Let's just get out of here. - Now? Okay.
Maybe I should join this gym.
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags. This is mine.
- What's his name? - Chuck.
Oh, Chuck.
GLORIA: Ay, Joe, so adorable.
You look like a little Uncle Alvaro.
One last touch.
The pocket watch, permanently broken at 3:30 after it stopped a bullet
shot by a very drunk and jealous Florence Nightingale.
JAY: Maybe it was sour grapes,
but this guy was starting to sound like baloney.
I was sure that if I left no stone unturned,
eventually, one day,
I'd find some dirt on Great-Uncle Alvaro.
I knew it!
Simon Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,
seducing wealthy widows with made-up stories
of his bravery in battle.
After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice,
he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing
but a single red rose
and syphilis.
Who's up for a little history lesson?
It seems...
Wait, wait, wait. Do it again.
The yoke of Spanish oppression
will chafe Colombian children no longer!
My saber thirsts for European blood!
- So cute! - Bravo!
He looked it up and memorized it himself!
Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me
because I'm the shortest kid in the class?
Don't listen to what they say.
Right. Uncle Alvaro was only five feet tall,
and he led a whole army!
I'm going to be brave like him.
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great-uncle.
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.
It wasn't easy biting my tongue,
but I took a page from another heroic relative,
Lulach McPritchett.
Proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English,
tortured for months using every method imaginable,
and never once giving up a single secret.
Don't look him up.
Signora, why so sad?
Let me see that big macaroni smile, huh?
How did you find me?
Antonio called and said you'd ordered a flaming sambuca
and just watched it burn.
Mmm-hmm.
It's all just going too fast.
Five months ago, Haley got back together with Dylan.
Then my mom dies, then Haley's pregnant.
Then it's twins.
Then "Come move in with us this summer"
turns into, "Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins
"and an incontinent chinchilla."
And in the most terrifying return
since Freddy Krueger sashayed his way back onto Elm Street,
my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah.
Oh...
How are you handling this all so well?
Who says I am?
I had to get out of there, or I was going to make Haley a single mom.
I hit Dylan again, Claire.
- But not on purpose. - Are we sure?
You mean like, you might have some buried anger
towards him stealing away your baby girl?
Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.
- It's Ionely out here on Crazy Island. - (CHUCKLES)
Oh. Well, we still have Italy.
Do we?
Listen, I've been doing some research on twins,
and it seems that like our daughter, they tend to come early.
Even if it's a one-in-ten chance,
I can't risk having the only maternal figure present
be that tub-birthing Wiccan.
I gotta be there for Haley.
It's overwhelming for sure,
but haven't a ton of our best memories
come from the anarchy of our house?
Like when Luke got his head stuck in the bannister.
- Which time? - (CHUCKLES)
Or when Alex's science fair project blacked out the whole neighborhood
during the Super Bowl. (CHUCKLES)
Or when Haley snuck in Luke's window
the same week we bought him a sling-shot.
Oh, God. That was... Mmm.
So, it's a madhouse, but, on the other hand,
we're going to have a couple babies in the house,
and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.
- Mmm-hmm. - So they'll be doing funny stuff.
So...
Looks like we are going on a trip.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
- Gretchen. - Manuel.
Look, I really am sorry about the way things ended...
That chapter is closed.
We have a strictly business relationship now.
Did you enjoy this book?
Or did you find your eyes drifting toward a shorter, Jewish one?
Okay, Shoshana and I are over.
It was beyond hurtful that you found a woman
whose name has two "shh" sounds in it.
Clearly, you're still upset,
and there's no hope for reconciliation, so...
I'll just say goodbye and hope
you'll allow me to play myself off with our song.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE)
(MAN SINGING) Oh, yeah
Sex kitty
Sexy kitty